Today I find myself tired, just tired. I am struggling, like so many others. I was tired when I woke up. I was tired after my morning coffee. I am tired in both my mind and body. I know these feelings are normal, but I just needed to say it.
I am tired of going to bed and rolling over and silently crying at times. It is the little words that were said before bed that made me feel sad or that I was not enough. It is the restlessness in my veteran that causes him to have sleepless nights that I cannot take away from him, yet somehow, I feel I cause. It is that moment that I just need a hug and some comfort that he cannot give me because his mind is somewhere else.
I am tired of trying to share my feelings and having a moment that it is about me only to start to get things out and then hear how I should feel or how he feels. Most days he does let me get my feelings out, but there are days I need to get them out and he just cannot process them. I am tired of waiting for PTSD to allow me to have my moment.
I am tired of saying, “I am fine, when in reality I want to scream NO I AM NOT FINE.” I am tired of pretending that everything is good because others need me to be strong and okay for them. I want a moment that I can have for me.
I am tired of being the rock and the strong one, when there are moments that I am weak and feel that I cannot let my weakness show. How can I let people who are depending on me down? I am tired of thinking that I must be more than I am. Trying to be there for everyone is not easy.
I am tired of having to think before I speak. I need to pick and choose my words carefully as not to create problems or issues or have someone take things the wrong way. I just want to say what is on my mind and let the words flow. I cannot do that, and always being aware of what comes out of my mouth is exhausting.
I am tired of feeling like a disappointment to others, including myself. I always feel like I could do more or that I could have done things better. There are days that I just want to be me and not worry about how others feel. I do not want to always worry about how my actions or reactions will be perceived by others.
I am tired of getting up and getting dressed when there are days that I just want to stay in my jammies and curl up on the couch and read a book. I know that that would be taken as a sign of being lazy and I cannot have that. I am tired of fighting my own depression and remaining positive.
I am so tired of having a third person in our relationship. Competing with PTSD and the demons are exhausting. I want just one normal day when it can just be him and I. I want a day where we are free to feel and say what is on our mind. I want a day that PTSD does not steal his attention, where he does not have to focus on keeping it under control.
I may be tired, but I will not give in. I will not let PTSD take control. I will not let it steal my happiness or his. We will walk through this journey together. I know there are days that he will be in front of me, leading the way. There are days that we will walk hand in hand and side by side, fighting together. There are going to be days when he is behind me pushing me through the tough spots. I may be tired at times, but I am never tired of fighting for the one I love and fighting for our happiness.